My Pickled Brain and The Worst Pickles I've Ever Tasted
I love pickles, seriously. I’ve only tried a few types of them, so I wanted to switch it up. I have dedicated my entire food palate to dill pickles, so I decided to try and rate different types of pickles. I feel like a Powerpuff Girl this week because of all the pickles I’ve been trying. Some may call me a superhero. Sugar, spice, and everything overpriced have been poured into this article tenfold (some pickles are exorbitantly expensive- the things I do for news). Bubbles, go talk to squirrels and punch fascists! I’ll go make reviews about gross pickles that cost too much money.
Dill Pickle: 10/10
The classic pickle. Whenever people talk about pickles without specifying what type, it’s almost always about dill. It’s neither scary nor out of anyone’s comfort zone. No pictures here, because there wouldn’t be any reaction. Yum.
Sour Pickle: 3/10
Sounds like a washed-up band from the 90s. Sour Pickles Turned Bitter: Where It All Went Wrong. The lead singer would kill someone and the drummer would help because they are secret gay lovers. Gasp! Throw away your Sour Pickle band tees now! Sour Pickles suck just as much as the fake band. Throw away the band tees and the pickles. Disgusting.
Kosher Dill Pickle: 9/10
Pretty similar to the original dill pickle. A little bit saltier, but no complaints from me. It’s the Mike Newton of pickles. The safe choice that not a lot of people pick, but he’s always there for you. Poor kosher dill pickle.
Bread and Butter Pickle: 2/10
These don’t taste like bread and butter. It’s like Greenland being super cold. I feel betrayed. Especially because these pickles taste like wet socks. A lot of people love bread and butter, but I do not. Obviously.
Sweet Pickle: 1/10
Lame! I am throwing several tomatoes. I would give these pickles a lame punishment if we were in medieval times (I would give people tomatoes to throw at the sweet pickles). Barely sweet. I feel betrayed. This is Iceland to bread-and-butter Greenland.
Candied Pickle 0/10
Sweet. Salty. What would you want more out of a snack? A lot more. Candied pickles sound disgusting, and they live up to that. I expected it to be worse, but they are the Kim Kardashian of pickles. Plastic Surgery, USA- a bunch of fake tastes here. This tasted gummy… somehow? If that’s possible.
Gherkin Pickle: 7/10
This is the other perfectly normal option when you say, “Hey, you got any pickles?” If they say, “yeah, Gherkin” they play it safe. No risks, just plain old gherkin. Normal. Different than my usual.
Cornichons: 5/10
Baby pickles! Like pickles, but cuter. I’m a sucker for anything tiny, so these are amazing. They don’t really have a taste, and I was kind of expecting more. The face of disappointment:
Cinnamon Pickle: 3/10
These pickles are like if a pickle had gotten the life sucked out of it, dyed red, infused with hot tamale candy flavors, and brined in red dye again. It tasted like spicy cinnamon with the texture of a pickle. The sensory part of that is not great and I wouldn’t particularly eat it again, but it’s not the worst pickle on here.
Lime Pickle: -148532/10
I naively expected these pickles to taste semi-good. I was horribly wrong. While some pickles just have a “meh” taste, this hits you in the head and vomits on your tongue. Then, there’s lime pickle vomit on your tongue. I couldn’t escape the taste and smell of these pickles for hours after I ate them. BOO!
I have gone through a lot while tasting these pickles. I think my therapist would agree. As I said while tasting, “My tongue has a cornucopia of pickle flavors!”. Please pray for my taste buds. I do not think they will make it past 35. XOXO, Pickle Girl.
By Caroline Lackey