Death Is Inevitable So Listen to Me Rate These Early 2000s Commercials
This week, I turned 18. That makes me an adult, at least in the eyes of the law, which means that I, too, am susceptible to this neverending carousel of powerlessness and pain that we call time. My childhood is behind me and death is imminent. But I do not want to sit here on what may become by deathbed at any moment and mope around.
Instead, I’d like to invite you along with me on a nostalgic journey, one filled with corny catch phrases and people who weren’t attractive enough to be on real television. Welcome to the world of early 2000s commercials.
7/10
Ah, a classic. You can taste the sugary cereal on a Saturday morning, no? The iconic catchphrase alone earns this commercial a high score. However, at least to me, there is no one Nerf commercial that really stands out as being “the” Nerf commercial, which definitely depreciates Nerf’s score. The actors in this commercial also look like they’re 16; one kid in the background even has what looks like a 5 o’clock shadow. This just seems like an oversight as the target audience for this commercial can’t be over 12. Do better.
1/10
Now, I’ll give credit where credit is due. The Dream Lite song will be inscribed in my brain until the end of time, but what keeps me from giving this commercial a higher score is the length. By about the 50 second mark, I was baffled that it was still going. What more is there to say about Dream Lites? It’s already a spinoff of the Pillow Pet. This seems unnecessary. Why do we need to see no less than 14 children - 15 if you count the twins as separate people, but why would you - to demonstrate the efficacy of the Dream Lite? Not to mention the name “Billy” being used, which shows a general lack of creativity. Better names could have included: Noah. Benjamin. Luke. Langston. Caz. Any of these names would have been more creative that “Billy”, which is the equivalent of naming him Namey McPersonboy. One star.
8/10
Now this is a commercial. Good for orbeez for capitalizing on everyone already using their product for this exact purpose. While it may not be as quotable as others on this list, I feel that I must give it a high ranking for actually succeeding in selling this to me. Twice. Once, when I was about nine years old and I didn’t understand the concept of money or, more accurately, wasting it. The second time was just this week, when my mother, upon seeing it in my “recently viewed” on Amazon, assumed that I must be coveting this spa product for children and bought it for my birthday, complete with Orbeez brand glitter nail polish. Well played, Orbeez. Orbeez Soothing Spa: 2, Little family: 0.
8/10
As any connoisseur of early 2000s infomercials would tell you, the Slushy Magic commercial is just too long. There is only so much to say about a slushy maker, even if it comes with a slushy fun drink guide packed with taste bud chillin’ recipes. But even with this nearly two minute commercial, they failed to elaborate on the inner workings of the Slushy Magic, stating only that there was some sort of “snow flake science” involved. This is awfully suspicious and makes it seem as if Slushy Magic does not know how its own product works. However, the mariachi-esque music accompanying this commercial does add a fun ambience, as if I were walking through the streets of Guadalajara. Well done.
9/10
This commercial was short and to the point, with a tagline that looms over me everytime I see a flattened Capri Sun pouch on the side of the road. Capri Sun has used their platform to prevent littering, which I have to applaud. I don’t quite understand the choice to have the kids in a mansion backyard looking like their names are Bingley and Rochester, but I suppose I just do not have the creative genius that this director did because it all works. A commercial that both makes me crave a Capri Sun and fear that if I do not dispose of the sacred pouch properly, I will face retribution from the Capri Sun overlords.
6/10
The GirlTech Password Journal is perfect for the tween with serious paranoia. I truly can think of no reason that a 12-year-old would need a diary with so much security unless it were a Memento type scenario where she has short term memory loss and is looking for the murderer John G. But I digress. This commercial certainly has potential, from the 2010 headbands to the use of the pesky little brother as an antagonist a la every teen movie, but it does not hold the same star power as others on this list.
10/10
This 2009 commercial is perfection from beginning to end. The legend of the Danimals Sweepstakes, the celebrity endorsement, the refreshing “slorp” sound of the dairy-packed yogurt travelling down Dylan Sprouse’s gullet. It all comes together. The words “many will enter, few will win” will reverberate around my skull for the rest of time. It was a genius marketing technique; get your audience to do the advertising for you with the promise of a group hang with you and the Sprouse twins (plus ten thousand dollars, I guess). I don’t even mind that there are twins in this one. What I love about this commercial is that it doesn’t just advertise the Danimals product, it advertises the Danimals lifestyle. My hat goes off to the creators of this commercial. Just wonderful.
Well, our journey has come to an end. The good times and the bad (cough, Dream Lites, cough), we made it through it all. My hope is that these commercials have been able to bring you back to the joy of childhood, and that we can all try not to think about how many times I watched these commercials to find things to say about them. Yes, let’s forget all about that.