I'm Sick and Tired of Pretending to Like Turkey

The holiday season is such a wonderful time full of friends, family, love, and gifts. Warm feelings and kindness fill the cinnamon-scented air and create a celebratory environment that people everywhere look forward to all year. Even though my love for the season is strong, I always have the feeling that something is wrong. This feeling grows stronger and stronger every single Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and every other holiday involving big family dinners. The feeling spikes the moment I lay my eyes on the turkey.

For such an important centerpiece of a meal, turkey may just be the most boring, dry, flavorless food to exist. We are forced to suffer because some guy in the 1600s decided that a bread stuffed bird was an adequate replacement for a nice honey glazed ham, or ribs, or something genuinely palatable. I understand that tradition is important, but we should all make exceptions for traditions that are stupid, like eating an overweight rooster that’s slightly more obnoxious dead than when it’s alive. 

One of the main reasons I have been outraged by this topic for so long is that there are unquestionably better alternatives that are easier to make, cheaper, and don’t take all of your precious family time to prepare, but society as a whole has just decided to ignore them. Why someone would choose to eat turkey over lasagna or fajitas is absolutely beyond me. 

I will admit that the side dishes for a classic holiday meal are unmatched. If there is a plate of mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, broccoli rice casserole, and a dinner roll in front of me, I will not be complaining one bit. The combination of these seasonal sides flows perfectly together and creates harmony on the plate that, when experienced correctly, can be an eye-opening occasion. And then turkey comes along and messes up that perfect ratio of flavor, texture, and love. 

Knowing that everyone with taste is aware of how purely heinous turkey is only adds to my outrage that multiple times a year, we all have to pretend to enjoy it. When your family cooks something, you eat it and compliment it even if the food in question is as horrific as turkey. You can’t just say “Oh wow this tastes how a punch in the face feels,” or “What God would allow this to happen?” because apparently, that’s “disrespectful,” and “unnecessarily rude Liza just eat the turkey.” Despite what others may say, I am officially done pretending that this is okay because despite tradition and demanding relatives, turkey really is just chicken for people who hate themselves.