Football Is Boring, So Here Is How I Would Fix It
Ever since I was little, I’ve watched football with my dad every time his team played. I never expected to see what he called, “a good game,” since we’re Georgia Tech fans, so I always focused on the technicalities of the game without the adrenaline of wanting to win flowing through my veins. Through this careful observation, I realized that football is the most boring sport, other than golf of course. This year’s Super Bowl served as an excellent reminder of just how much I absolutely hate it. In the doldrums of the third quarter, when the Patriots had long since secured their victory and I was sinking precious moments of my life into watching men in striped shirts trot around carrying bright orange flagpoles, I decided that it is about time I, a theatre kid who knows almost nothing about sports, take the responsibility upon myself to fix football for the rest of you because I truly think that I can make this horrible game remarkably better with just these 10 new rules.
If any player runs into a referee, that player’s whole team has to line up and the referee gets to slap every single one of them in the face.
After any penalty, the offending players have to perform a demeaning act. Examples include, but are not limited to:
Calling the other player’s mom to apologize for what they did to her child, on speakerphone.
Handwriting the other player an apology note, in cursive, and with correct utilization of the Oxford comma at least three times.
Handing out 100 hotdogs and sodas to the opposing team’s fans while the game continues without them and a live camera feed tracks each of their movements and facial expressions.
Washing the other team’s bus (inside and out).
The “Locker Clear,” where they have to give the other team all of their illegal narcotics.
If you rough the kicker, you have to give them your significant other’s car.
Players who commit pass interference must recite 20 lines of Shakespeare from memory. Every game has a specific show that was designated for it so you can’t just memorize 20 lines from one show; you must be prepared with at least 3 short monologues. If you mess up at all you have to run laps around the stadium until you get it right while the crowd boos you.
Instead of a coin flip to decide which team goes first, there is a quarterback spelling bee with extreme amounts of heckling.
If a player jumps offsides, they have to solve an equation using the quadratic formula to reenter the game. NO exceptions.
If a player charges another, the victim’s mom gets to beat the crap out of that player while everyone watches, without being allowed to fight back. No covering the face or the groin is permitted, and no protective cups will be allowed. It lasts exactly 3 minutes and she can only use their helmet or her fists. If the mother is not present, the coach may select the drunkest spectator available.
If an away-team player receives a penalty for excessive celebration, they have to hitchhike all the way home with a local stranger and are not allowed to use any money to get there. Absolutely no rides from friends, family, or fans of their own team are permitted.
If someone uses a racist or sexist slur against another player, the player who they offended gets to personally give them a piercing anywhere they want, on-site, immediately.
If a player is caught in any sort of fraud, cheating scandal, or steroid scandal, the team they cheated against gets to give them a new legal name that they are required to keep and utilize for at least two years.
And just like that, I’ve fixed football. These 10 simple changes would make the sport significantly more entertaining to watch, and I might even be able to stomach more than half a game.
By Liza Tewari