BREAKING: The World Is In Shambles As Domino's Has Out-Pizza'd The Hut

For countless centuries, Pizza Hut remained at the top of the podium in terms of your favorite Italian cuisine. From the days of Adam and Eve to our modern day world, no one had even come close to overcoming The Hut’s dominance. It has always been so much more than just a globally recognized pizza delivery chain; it is a transcendent entity that has been the cornerstone of our universe for eons, out-pizza-ing everything that comes in its path. Until now.

Nobody thought it could be done, but after decades of underground research, Domino’s has finally managed to out-pizza The Hut.

In order to fully comprehend the magnitude of this society-altering achievement, we must first consider what it truly means to get out-pizza’d. The Oxford English Dictionary defines out-pizza as “The act of creating a superior pizza than one's competition, unless the competition in question is The Hut.” Although the definition seems simple at first glance, there is more to it than meets the eye. In order to truly out-pizza your competition, you must employ better ingredients to, in turn, craft a better pizza. In 2011, Domino’s called upon a team of world renowned scientists to the furthest reaches of the globe in order to crack this case. A botanist, an oceanographer, and a quantum physicist, all worked tirelessly to achieve what could only be called “pizza nirvana.” Oceanographer Dr. Botany Laryngitis-Laryngitis sat down with The Elliott to recount how his team of scientists discovered the formula for the perfect pizza.

What was your process like? Creating the perfect pizza isn’t an easy task.

Dr. Laryngitis-Laryngitis: Essentially, we boiled it down to three things: crust texture, salt-to-garlic ratio, and viscosity of the sauce, or what we in the ‘biz like to call viscosi-sauce.

Did you have any major setbacks during your journey toward the perfect pizza?

Dr. Laryngitis-Laryngitis: Our biggest setbacks came while working on our salt-to-garlic ratio. We found that when the ratio is exactly 1.45 to 3.68, no matter the circumstances, the pizza will come out as an exact replica of Little Caesars. For a while we didn't test ratios close to this for fear we would become Little Caesars 2. Later, we came to realize the perfect ratio to be 1.46 to 3.68. Months of our time were wasted.

What’s next for Domino’s?

Dr Laryngitis-Laryngitis: Well… you might not have heard, but I’m no longer with Domino’s as we’ve had a recent disagreement. You see, Domino’s has grown so powerful that they have decided to use their pizza for evil, and are attempting World Dominotion®.

Since the creation of the perfect pie, there have been some major changes to everyday life, and even the very fabric of our reality. This new type of pizza has created a domino effect that has touched every corner of the world. All non-Domino’s pizza establishments have since been shut down forever, and many non-pizza establishments have gone down with them. Across the globe, riots have broken out in the streets of nearly every major city on Earth, not out of rage but rather out of sheer, genuine confusion. It will take years before our society can come to terms with the fact that we now live in a world where no one out-pizzas the Domino’s. Additionally, the lack of Hut has caused a gap in the space-time continuum, and black holes have emerged in a few locations where renowned Pizza Hut restaurants once stood. The aftermath has been devastating, and objects and life-forms from the future, present, and past have emerged.

In the words of Barack Obama, “Dinosaurs are back, y’all.”