A Modest Proposal

COVID-19 is a novel virus for which humans have no immunity. It is ferociously infectious, far more deadly than the seasonal flu, and US known cases are growing rapidly. This is a textbook definition of the pandemic public health officials have been warning about for decades. Today officials and scientists are recommending many ways you could and should be protecting yourself and preparing for worse to come. But I propose another way to prepare: watch as many pandemic movies as possible and take notes. The techniques the protagonists use to survive could save your life, especially if Coronavirus patients turn into zombies. There will be spoilers ahead so proceed with caution.

Contagion

If you’re just going to watch one pandemic movie, this is it. It is the most realistic and is particularly haunting because many of the events in the film predict the same path coronavirus is taking. Like COVID-19, the fictional virus begins in China. But we don’t witness it spread there. Instead we have Gwyneth Paltrow get the ball rolling by flying home from China and dying two days later. This is very

upsetting because it’s Gwyneth Paltrow. Her son dies right after that, but in a really lucky plot twist, her husband, Mitch, turns out to be immune. This is good news because he’s played by Matt Damon, and we like Matt. He’s also a stand-in for us because he’s the average man who doesn’t know squat about science. There are other eerie parallels to today: bureaucrats try to wish the problem away to avoid the political pain of fighting the virus; conspiracy theorists and grifters show up to take advantage of the chaos; and the disease spreads incredibly quickly. Soon mass panic ensues, bringing with it violence and looting. That last part hasn’t happened here. Yet. Contagion is the most educational pandemic film. It shows the desperate search for a cure, the heroic efforts of health workers, and Mitch making his daughter practice social distancing. Seriously, this is good stuff so take notes. But this is still a movie and sure enough, a CDC researcher goes against protocol to inject herself with a vaccine that, surprise, ends up working flawlessly, and next thing you know it’s getting delivered to the masses and everyone is safe. Moviegoers really like happy endings.

Outbreak

This one is also closer to reality than others because it is loosely based on a 1989 pandemic scare. An animal-borne, mutated form of Ebola threatened to spread from a Washington research lab. Fortunately, it was not airborne or harmful to humans. But the event demonstrated how quickly paranoia and panic can spread. The film is a useful depiction of how viruses can jump from primates to humans, wreaking havoc. It also reasonably depicts the valuable work of scientists who study exotic, deadly viruses. Researchers at USAMRIID (the United States Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases), where the actual event was centered, play a prominent, heroic role. It is useful to observe their work, which is similar to studies taking place right now. But after that, realism dies a horrible death. A military general tries to block the hunt for a cure so he can have it for a bioweapon. He chases the researchers all over the place and tries to kill them, but they’re too smart for that. In the end, they stop the bad guy from bombing a cute American town that had the bad luck of having the virus show up there. A cure is found, everybody is saved, the general is arrested, and presumably the researchers are recruited into Britain’s Double-O program to replace James Bond.

The Andromeda Strain

This 1971 film is a bit dated, but it deserves a “hat-tip” as the film that started it all. It was the first great pandemic movie which immediately gets it a spot on this list. While researchers are studying a new organism in a tightly sealed laboratory, it escapes and starts melting rubber and plastic seals. This sets off a five-minute countdown to a nuclear explosion, which was a pretty stupid failsafe, if you ask me. Still, it makes for an action-packed ending. As you knew they would, our heroes discover the alien bugs actually like nuclear explosions. The bomb will help the clever rascals take over the world. So the humans scurry around and stop the mission at the last moment. Oh, there’s also a cure just in time for another happy ending. Might be a waste of time to watch this movie if you need to productively prepare for the apocalypse.

The Walking Dead

Okay, this is a tv show, not a movie. But more than any of the early zombie films, this story captured the public’s imagination and unleashed a plague of zombie stories, most of them awful. But the Walking Dead works because the writers know that the zombies are just a way to focus our attention on how people deal with the end of the world. Unsurprisingly they handle it very badly at first because who expects zombies to start showing up? But they figure it after a few thousand people get eaten. And they demonstrate perseverance and survival skills, details of which you should add to your notes. The show is also good because it shows us that lurching zombies can only get you so far before boredom sets in. Thus, before long all the Big Bads are people trying to control or slaughter other people while the zombies stumble along and show up when we need a good scream. But it works. We know this because there have been ten seasons and the show is still roaring along. We care about the characters and hate it when one gets chewed up and zombified. Seriously, don’t even ask about Carl.

Fear The Walking Dead

This is the first sequel in what will likely be a pandemic of Walking Dead shows. Too much is never enough. I include this series because, unlike its predecessor, the show reveals how the virus got started. It’s pretty good about showing the paranoia and panic that accompany pandemics, as well as the chaos that ensues. So if you’re worried that COVID might get way out of hand, there are some good tips here. Apparently, it’s helpful to have a yacht nearby.

World War Z

Last and probably least, World War Z. This movie is important because it marks the debut of “fast zombies” and a resulting endless debate among zombie fans over which is better, fast or slow. And there’s Brad Pitt doing serious hero stuff. As luck would have it, even though he was first pictured as a stay at home dad who makes pancakes, he’s somehow a UN investigator who has done it all and knows everything about slipping through nasty situations. He’s zombie-ready. Brad does all kinds of Brad things, and that’s fun to watch. It’s also useful to watch. He knows a lot of useful tips and tricks that will be great for your notes. But in this movie, the zombies are fascinating. Instead of lurching around, groaning and slowly rotting, these red-eyed beasties are quick like bunnies. People-eating, wacked-out bunnies. You even get to watch a horde of them climb a Jerusalem wall like insane army ants. By the end, our hero magically finds a way to defeat them. And yes, he gets to reunite with his family. But along the way, we learn how to quickly get out of a crowded traffic jam. And we learn that Brad is the luckiest man on earth. Okay, so maybe this isn’t the most informational movie like the others might be, but it’s still quite entertaining. And, we get to see how much Brad Pitt knows about everything. He even knows how to make pancakes.